Prayer

His kidneys won't tolerate the chemo.  There is nothing left but prayer.

It's just that way sometimes. And I hate it.  But here we go, all together now:

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

I would ask that I can do what is necessary, and that I can do it without fucking it up too much.  I would ask that I can do these things and not lose sight of my own family, my own small sons, and that I can discern between my cowardice and my stubbornness. This is not my strong point, so it will be um...interesting.

I would ask for Grace, and that my brother be given his best, most gentle road Home.  I would ask that I be propped up (somehow, Dear God, but that will be some kind of propping) enough to offer a hand where I may.

Here's the thing:  In my heart, I suspect that God knows how fiercely my brother would hate to wither under chemo and this med and that med and maybes and try-its.  So while my own heart breaks wide and raw, I guess I can only ask that God, who knows us so wholly,  grant my beautiful brother that which He knows he most needs.  I will strive to be glad for this (which will take a Red Sea-sized miracle), and to know it as kindness and a mercy (walking on water miracle).

I cannot ask my brother to wither.  

(Man, if you could see what a freaking runny pile of water and whining I am, it would totally make that up there seem like bullshit.  We both know no way I can do that stuff.  How pathetic when one must pray for strength to pray.)

And yet.

Lord, if You would...re-read that stuff and consider it.  And if You're taking stupid requests, I would ask that my brother get to see another summer...

Amen.