Do I Look Fat to You?

Or, more to the point: Am I okay?

You know, I would ask around, but I looked around, and there's no one around.

I'm alone.

Days, weeks pass in which I see only the boys with my same last name and those who provide therapy for LRHFs with my same last name. There are no "quick bites." No "girls' nights." No "mani-pedis," no "retail therapies," and no...well, no one to ask if I'm okay.
(Please know that I am exceptionally grateful for anonymity right now because I really do understand that this is a whole new kind of whiny and selfish. I know that. I do.)

My friends are gone. Fallen away. No, more likely, I am gone and fallen away and left back in some time when I did stuff. Stuff that was me and not in spite of me (well, probably sometimes in spite of me, but not directly contradindicative of me). I was social. Did social stuff. Had social events. And now I'm in this absolutely alone place shaking my head and wondering what I did to let it get so damned cold. Am quite afraid to ask if this happens to anyone else because am not quite sure I want an answer.

(Most days, in fact, I think I know the answer.)

Can I just tell you that everyone else is happy? I know this because I have Facebook and I can see them busily being so happy. So busy. So chatty. So goddamned social. Oh, you know, old friends do pop in and get all friend-y for about a day and a half but they are not the ones who want truth when they toss out a breezy So how are you? And I need to tell the truth just now. I need to say that I am drowning in truth and that truth is totally kicking my ass. Autism, dementia, depression--all just really kicking my sad and tattered ass.

And can one person piss off large group of people without making contact or telling nasty lies about them? I don't know. I would not think so. And besides, am very careful about telling nasty lies. Learned that lesson the hard way.

So, do other people tell the truth about sad and sick and mad? And then are there other people who listen to that first group? Really, I'm asking. Because if such people do exist, it would appear that at some point I lost them and I don't know why. Have I gone so pale and leaden and bent that I am gone?

I feel gone, I do.

I would ask my friends about this, but maybe you can see how that might be sort of silly.