Enclosed Please Kindly Find:

One big rant. One big rant about stuff that doesn't work. Stuff that doesn't or hasn't worked in awhile. Mainly, but not limited to, stuff that doesn't/hasn't worked this summer.

I may digress. You know how I get.

This minute, this very second the lawnmower doesn't work. Gosh, maybe b/c dh took it apart and lost all the bolts and now it is held together by gorilla tape and freaking drapery hardware. Maybe that's it. Now, this is my darling lawnmower. I am the Hank Hill in this family regarding lawnery. When I was carrying the twins, I was forbidden to mow and it got to where I just couldn't even look down when I went outside. I love the man, but a mower, he is not.

Oh, and also this very minute my left hand isn't looking too good. Not working too well. Yeah. Well, I stapled it. Upholstery stapled it. Right there in the fleshy (yet surprisingly musclular/tendony) part of the thumb. This happened about three minutes after I'd finished giving my generally well-regarded stapler safety speech to the friend whose chair I was working on. Honest to heaven, I'd just wrapped up the big "safety goggles" portion and closing with references to tetanus shots and the importance of long pants when she went to check on the kids.

Ka-chunk. That's a sound you don't want to hear when there's nothing actually being stapled between you and the stapler. Hey, that's really deep in there. Wow. That's a lot of blood. Will that come off the porch floor? Hmmmm....should my thumb be numb like this? I wonder...This is almost as much fun as the big ol' black eye/nosebridge cut I had a few weeks back from cleaning out the linen closet. Apparently, I had more than linens in there, no? So hand and mower. Hurts hand to try and start mower. The front lawn is morphing into the opening credits from "little house on the prairie" except it's just grass, no wildflowers. Okay, so that's just this past two days.

My van doesn't work. Actually, to be more succinct, my van is gone. Totaled. That happened on tuesday at the very end of Fay. I registered the twins for pre-k (No, he's not quite potty trained, he's a spectrum kid...you pre-k guys KNOW THAT) and was on my way to drop off a bunch of stuff at the thrift store. Now that right there should have been a dead give away. I drop nothing off if isn't children. I have "Depression mentality." Not that kind of depression. The one after the stock market crashed. All things can find new use. But there I was with a van full of old toys to drop off. Silver van sitting on the median in foggy ucky rain gets hit by silver car. I am silver van and it is my fault. I inched out too far, I guess, the wind was blowing the trees and I couldn't see. It's an easy crossing, really, no beating the clock or anything. But there goes my bumper. Here come the police. Here come new police b/c original police were already on a call. Right after new police arrive, here comes a new accident. Bad one this time. Three cars. One drove over my bumper which was carefully lain on the grassy strip. By the time dh got there, the parkway was closed, fire, ambo, police etc. etc. And I'm on the corner soaking wet, waving madly so he knows that *that* was not my accident. Regardless, the van is a loss. Didn't look like a loss. The bumper and headlights were a loss. Yes. The passenger tire had a blister. Yes. But a loss? Apparently, everything under car had been moved about one inch to the left. Just enough to piss me off. So I have no car. Let's recap: Mommy stuck at home can get stuff done and is glad to do so on two principles. One is that the stuff works. The other is that Mommy can work. See notes regarding lawnmower and hand. All bets are off. Mommy at home w/bum hand is asking for trouble in ways I honestly cannot begin to fathom.

*sigh*

More stuff--neighbor found a day old kitten yesterday. Called me. Did what I could (dad's a vet and I'm a slushy for kittens) but it died. Good feeling. How do they let me keep the kids?

Hmm...washer overflowed, took washer apart (kind of know what I'm doing there) could not find toggle to adjust water level, opened my right hand up pretty good getting that damned back off, got pissed, cut all the wires (pretty pretty colors) and got a front loader. I never just "get" stuff, but you may get the sense that I'm a bit taut of late, so yeah, I just went out and got a front loader. It's a beaut. I love it. It makes me happy every time I see it using 50% less water and a tbsp of detergent and 20% less energy. Mostly I just like the roundy round the clothes do. But that leaves the laundry room flooded from previous occupant. Rug steamer to the rescue. Except...(can you guess this next part?) the rugsteamer got all choke-y and started to smell all rubbery and then got verrrrrry quiet. It went gentle into that good night. Damn.

ahhh...other stuff that fits into this here category of stuff that doesn't work, but in a condensed version: Mitre saw is dull. Carpet in laundry room (not my damned idea, I'll tell you what) is awful and icky. Toilet in second bathroom also relying on drapery hardware to function. Dishwasher leaks somewhere I can't figure. Have still not been in basement since storm. Vacuum cord got scary. flourescent lights in bathroom burned out. (WTF????) Powdery mildew killing the yellow squash. Can't figure how to potty train the twin with the sensory disorder. Oh, and I haven't even begun to consider writing about how dh's new job hours don't work. So don't work. So so don't work.

And the best part of all of this, I have saved for last. It would seem, you see, that MY PROZAC DOESN'T WORK. This happens every now and again and it's no big deal except that my shrink doesn't work (retired) and my insurance doesn't work (crap) and I really, really, really need the prozac to work, you know? If it would just work for another week or so...really, because there is no piece of drapery hardware to fix this situation. That there's an absolute truth for you.

Does this happen to other people? What am I supposed to learn from this? My mantra is always "Nothing is Simple" (always through gritted teeth, tho, so I don't know if it actually works as a mantra). I can't handle this new "Nothing Works" mantra.

It just doesn't work for me.