Take This with a Grain of Ambien

So I have fallen. Way down deep in a pit of insomnia. Been three weeks...maybe five...gets fuzzy after a bit. Been through six (or maybe seven?) different sleep meds. I am Rasputin. Seriously, my poor doc says it's starting to keep her up at night.

Ummm...where was I?

Oh, so I fell asleep at 5:30 a.m. one day last week. Some nights couldn't say whether I've slept or not. I'm trying so damned hard that the line gets blurred. My eyes are on fire. My balance is shot. My muscles ache. White noise. Open windows. No clocks. Pills, Pills, Pills. Ugh. I'm embarrassed to keep "mentioning" to my doc about this--like it's some sort of character flaw. Well, I suppose it could be characterized as such if you can imagine what it does to my already-shaky mothering technique. Noises are too loud. Lights are too bright. Every person placed on this here earth pisses me off. Just because.

I cannot imagine what my kids must think. Or worse, lol, what they must say about mommy sleeping...that's an old story, no?

My doc is thinking about hospitalization. Great. And so convenient. That's in the short term just so I don't lose my mind prison-camp style. Then, a sleep study. Another convenience. (see, I'm a teensy bit pissier than usual--it's okay, I know it's true) But look--what happens if you pay the huge copay, go into the sleep study and then don't sleep? It could happen. Pretty much every freaking night of my life it happens, but I'm not paying big bucks for it. They give you sleep meds, but please not my admission of Rasputin-like resistance in this area. So do I get my money back? And also, what if I do the study and the recommendation is beyond reasonable (for me, for my life) implementation? A big machine? Or wait--less stress? Yes, okay. I will do less stress. (oh God, I will fall down and die if that is the recommendation, really--you watch and see.) Maybe some life changes? Oh yes, I would like another life please. Thank you. One without dh's work sked, one without autism, one without dementia, one without loneliness, one without depression. And may I have my career back? And my body? And my self esteem? Yes please and thank you.

Oh, so that's not what a life change is?

Damn.

Never mind. (I can't recall what what I was saying anyway.)

My God, I am so tired.