RE: "All Done"

I meant it. I did.

It grieved me and I wept and shook until my eyes ran dry and my bones ached cold.


I had no words. None had worked, none had elightened, none held comfort, and then, none were kind.


I had no words. I always have words. You know that.

Too many words. Words bled out of my mouth in grief and desperation and anger, and for my part, it was not the least bit helpful.

*sigh*

In fact, my words wove themselves into a noose. If I could have shut up for even a minute, if I could have taken even one full breath, if I had not ignored the bits of my heart as they fell away in every room with every fight, then perhaps I would have done the wiser thing, the kinder thing. Because at that time, I was the one who could do the wiser and kinder thing. My husband is, however I might perceive it, in his own place of dark hurt, and so he speaks from this place. Maybe he's never been there before, I'm not sure. But I was so scared...I wasn't cool...I wasn't empathetic...I was just um...wordy.

Stupid wordy.

Couldn't get it right or clear or sensical. Then I couldn't even get it kind.

Long story short: I should have known when to shut up. And I should have remembered a frequent conversation I have with God in which I announce in no uncertain terms that I am "all done." I do believe He glances down at this silly, silly child and in His endless patience, He simply asks, "Well, LAH, tell Me then: What, exactly, have you done?"

Oh. Right.

And please don't misunderstand me, this is not exclusively my fault, and I don't take all the blame for it. We have junk. And in fact, he has more junk than either of us realized. And his junk doesn't go with my junk very well at all. But I hope that LRHF has taught us enough about the jumps and starts and fits of moving forward that we should apply it to our marriage.

Do we need help? Oh, ho, yes. And we'll get it. oh, ho, yes.

I'm re-reading this and thinking that I must be quite sleep deprived to think this piece makes a bit of sense, but I needed to say, wanted you to know, that despite our struggles and hurts and misunderstandings, we are not in the last bit "all done."