Soulstice

Yes, I know there's no "u" in Solstice.

And yes, I do know how to edit a misspelling. I meant that u with all my heart. With all my heart because all my soul is darkening and deepening and falling, falling.

And I am afraid.

Tonight I began to light the candles at the ever earlier dusk, lighting each one, asking for mercy and illumination and grace and warmth. (Rush the season much? yes, well, desperate is desperate, thank you)

And this very small, very un-liturgical ritual is made all the more meaningful by LRHF, who is my anti-alcolyte of sorts--he follows me around, waits for me to finish, and then blows out the candles. He had a hood on tonight, but I am 99% sure it was him trailing a few feet behind me with the stealth of Walmart buggy. I don't know if his act extinguishes mine or makes it more meaningful. Isn't that funny? Does God watch this mother/son ritual and shake His Head at it's uselessness? Or does the smoke from the extinguished flame carry my voice just a bit closer to His Ear? I don't know. Maybe both.
It's a pain in the ass, but what can you do? the kid loves birthdays and birthdays have candles and...you get it now, don't you?

And Dammit, it's dark again this year. I carry my sore and tired marriage and my all-gone mother, my far away husband and my beautiful children, all on top of a very broken me, and it is all dark right now. I know that in my soul, I must go through the dark to get to the light. I know that Solstice is about the promise and the hope and the anticipation of light and rebirth and newness and growth. I know all that. If I didn't, why on earth would I go around lighting candles muttering to myself, knowing full well that LRHF was hot on my heels?

But then, there's so much I don't know. What if this is as bright as it gets? What if the days get longer, but not lighter?

I don't believe I've ever been so afraid of the dark.