All Done: Part Deux

Nah, nothing to do w/marriage.

Amazing how a few stolen hours can remind even us who we were, and are, and what we do and why we do it. That our children are, absurdly funny and unquestionably ours, regardless of the mix. And That Smile, a little more tired maybe, but still that same smile--it is good and it is enough. Talking, even when it's hard stuff, even when it's Misguided chatting with Misunderstood, comes slowly, awkwardly, and sometimes still a bit on the late side, but we do it. Hurts, feels silly, seems like something we should have mastered by now, but, well, we loved so fast, so hard, that I think maybe we missed some steps.

No shame in retracing, right? It works for car keys, so why not give it a whirl? It works for talking, too.

And this "all done" isn't about LRHF. No, he had a great observation. He did back flips. Literally did back flips. Now, this is not an independant goal, you understand, but the laughter, the pride, the "hey did you guys see how amazing and cool I am?" engagement was positively prism-esque. That's my boy.
My Happy Boy

Nah, this "all done" is about forgiveness. Finally knowing that forgiveness is really kind of a puzzle that God leaves around for us figure out so He can get the Really Important Stuff done. It sounds massive and magnanimous. It sounds implausable and holy. It sounds like the the top of the mountain, and, oh, it feels like the top of the mountain when all you can do is consider that it is One More Goddamn Thing You Have To Get Done.

I don't think it's the top of the mountain. Not anymore. I think that it's more like finding that little bit of brave that will let you get closer to the mountain. And it's looking at what you have with you, and discerning how to leave the old stuff, the stupid stuff, the indignant and hurt stuff at the bottom of the mountain to consider the climb. Put all that crap down and then it's easier to stand up and breathe.

Breathing is good.

And man, I am so often (read: regularly) at the bottom of that mountain, all pissy, kicking the shit out of those first few rocks (which is a really good way to break a toe, btw) I absolutely spend way too much time worrying about whether to take this or that, or if I'll need this or that, or do I have enough of this or that...seriously, I can't pack a lunch without all that drama. But when the drama is done, when it's just plain old time to get going, then I think I'm learning a little. Not quickly or easily, or even willingly, but I'm learning that forgiveness is an exquisite and necessary Grace, a get-out-of-hurt-free-card, if you will, in that it is the difference between insisting on carrying all that crazy-weighing-down-stuff and discerning the Grace of simply lifting our eyes and moving forward.

Today I got all done with some crazy-weighing-down-stuff, I think. Yeah, it wasn't on the books for today, but I think it happened just the same.

All done. Lifting my eyes. Moving forward. Upward.

Now that's a gift. Thank you.