There's this one thing I realized today. Well, two things, actually, but who knows how long before I'm just a metaphorical footprint in the sand of this marriage, right?
Today I realized that I don't think I like him anymore. He's so different from that man who could bring warmth and light to the darkest parts of my soul. I don't know this man. I know that I dim in his presence and I become cold in his bed. He's lessened me, wounded me, and I do believe now that he's lost me. He's set up a whole nifty life where he doesn't have to admit I exist, and he doesn't have to admit that's part of the fun.
There's nothing I can do. He tells me it 's all about me, and then he tells me how I will surely kill him. That's a little bit about him, isn't it? He tells me how I don't take care of myself (huh?) while his barely shaded vanity, his self-obsession bleeds through in every part of his life where I am not. And that's a lot of life. It makes sense that there would be no room for me.
There's a bunch of stuff tied up in not liking this man to whom I'm bound. Yes. Yes, I'm sorry I married him. Not because I didn't love the man I married and not because I didn't want so very, very badly to be his Great Love that I gave up my family, my friends, my career, and my future. I don't like being married to this man, this stranger, full of blame, and superiority and issues. I don't like that if he doesn't admit to such things, they do not exist. I don't like that it is so easily my fault, my crazy, my stupid. I never saw him coming, not really. And if I have to stay, an you know I have to stay, I just wanted you to know that I *do* know how it is. It's my choice because it's my children.
After all, I'm not stupid. No matter what he thinks.
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