Me, I like the bad news first because it always makes the good news, well, gooder. Some folks are the other way around and they all have perfectly good reasons, I'm sure, but I'm never quite sure how to handle a good news/bad news thing unless I take a poll.
That seems impractical in this particular situation, don't you think?
Well, I guess I'll go with the good news first: Okay, I am absolutely sure that our marriage will be just a-0kay fine. Yup. Betcher bottom dollar on it. Always and Forever
Here's the bad news part: this will only work if I am not actually part of it.
Tricky, no?
Nonetheless, that would seem to be the trick. And it will certainly be a trick for me, because I have no idea how to begin, did not see this coming, and would not have entered into such a situation because I'm not good at invisible. Worse yet, I'm not cool with being invisible.
(Boo! here I am! Ha! See what I mean?)
I don't remember anyone mentioning this part of marriage, I really don't. I know I wouldn't have agreed to it because I'd feel really bad about the whole bait-and-switch thing. I'm not a master of disguise, no lie. I don't even like dying my hair. (Now, if the gray would just all come in and be what it is, then that'd be completely okay w/me. Instead, it creeps up my part and my temples and brings all sorts of weird faded dark colors along. But you get my point, right?)
Anyway, as long as I don't inconveniently and inappropriately (and it is always, apparently both) insert myself into my husband's life, we'll be just fine. So....there you go. How can someone become completely unimportant and not know it? How could I miss myself fading away, losing my place, moving from invaluable to value-less? It's like getting fired and then showing up the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, and so forth and so on.
God, I'm thick.
Sad. Really just so very sad right now. What am I to my Most Important Person?
I..I am not.
In these last few months, I've become more and more not. And definitely not worth talking about. And increasingly not worth talking to. My not-ness has really become all I am.
And it's not important. Not something to worry about. Not something he wants to hear about. Not something he even considers.
That's me. Not. Not. Not.
What the hell? This is not a problem for him. I just need to be very, very still and very very quiet and very very agreeable. (Shhh...I'm whispering now)
Oh God. Just ask me to do brain surgery,why don't you? Same fucking success rate.
And here's the kicker: Not one damned thing I can do. I can not. Kept hoping, you know, thinking we needed to nurture each other better, more often and more openly. Show our affection. Knew we had work to do, changes to make, things to think about. I was, it appears, not on the right track with that. See how it works?
I just don't show up in his world anymore, unless it's because I'm making a spectacle of myself by, you know, speaking or something.
Honestly? He always could make me feel stupid. It was an ever-present teensy snag in our Great Love that was kind of weird, because I generally don't ever feel that stupid, and I am not in the habit of letting others treat me like I'm stupid. Because, you see, I'm not stupid. But for whatever reason, I ignored it, this singular feeling of stupid that was limited to how I felt around my beautiful husband. Damn. Now that was stupid. I figured he didn't mean it, wasn't aware of it. I mean, I'm not stupid, and he's really sure he's not stupid, so surely, surely he must know I'm not stupid, right?
I was an idiot.
Because now, it isn't even about whether I'm stupid or not. That is at least something to be, a place to hold, albeit not a good one.
Now, I'm just not.
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